I rarely watch television. The television I do watch, I tend to watch pre-recorded
and I fast forward all the ads. I hate
adverts. With a fiery passion. So I always
tend to be out of the loop in terms of ad discussions that probably take place
amongst people. Those sad people that like to discuss the ins and outs of professionally
marketed substances. So it was entirely by accident that I managed to glimpse
the Andrex advert recently. You know the one. The “scrunch or fold” advert. The
most disgusting thing I have ever seen on television. I have seen much worse on
the internet of course but this is broadcast television we are talking about
here.
Now part of the marketing mindset is just to get people aware of a
product. This has clearly worked as I am now aware of Andrex, but believe it or
not, I was aware of them before as well. So do I now think positively of the
Andrex brand? Hmmm gonna have to say no. Because toilet stuff is private. We
don’t discuss it here in this country. Go to Bulgaria for that sort of thing.
What on earth were they thinking?!? Maybe it is just me. Maybe people
do discuss these sorts of things with each other and I am woefully naive about
this sort of stuff. Maybe people have bowel movement parties where all they do
is wait for each other to loudly and joyfully defecate into special troughs
they have bought and moved into the lounge. Maybe people inspect each other’s stools
emerging and whisper things like “look at it curl as it lengthens...and it’s
changing colour already...Christ I’m erect.” Maybe I’m a prude about this. I
don’t know. And I don’t really want to know. Which is why Andrex’s adverts
bother me.
Given the fact that I am giving this issue oxygen, Andrex no doubt will
think that this is a marketing triumph. Well I have a few more ideas for Andrex
which they can have for free.
“Do you piss your poo flakes away or wait for the eventual flush to do
your dirty work for you?”
“When you lovingly defecate on your partner’s chest, do you sink down
and mesmerizingly rub the shit into their chest, or immediately hop off and
wipe?”
“Do you furtively masturbate in lifts or merely wait in the opposite
sex bathrooms on the middle floor?”
“Bile or cum?”
I am sure you will see marketing campaigns based on these ideas within
the next six months.
