Come on Olly

I am a republican. Notice the small ‘r’? I am not a US Republican (as they are the equivalent of a metastasizing tumour), but a ‘republican’, i.e. one who would like to live in a republic. As I am British, that means I would like Britain to be a republic. I read at the weekend that the Queen was unwell and had to cancel a trip to my hometown. I hope the old lady bounces back. I think she has performed a marvellous service linking different eras of the UK, not to mention been an excellent queen. By ‘excellent queen’, I mean keeping out of the limelight in terms of scandal or whatnot, and waving when she is told to. Not drunkenly falling out of the Rolls-Royce or flashing her pants, that is a quite a skill for a famous woman to have. The Queen is dignified, for someone that is wheeled about and told what to do by her advisors.

However the rest of the Royal family are a bunch of conniving, rude, selfish, cretinous, idiots that have ever sucked oxygen. They are feted as actually being better than us commoners when they live in the biggest bubble of unreality that exists with the possible exception of the circumference of Donald Trump’s head. I would love the Royal Family to be brought down to earth however I doubt they realise its existence. The finances of the Royal Family are largely a mystery. There is no transparency or accountability. Why don’t the National Audit Office audit them? Why is the Royal Family exempt from Freedom of Information requests? Prince Charles lobbies extensively on a number of subjects and issues yet we are not allowed to know what, how and when, and to what effect. Up until 1998 (but still technically now as well) advocating the replacement of the monarchy with a peaceful republic is a criminal offence and could send me to prison for life.

Monarchist routinely claim, and this is the main reason espoused, that the royal family is worth keeping because of “tourism”. Well, let me debunk that particular argument. Tourists go to see buildings and castles because they are interesting within a historic context and look pretty spiffy as well. They do not go to see people. If they did, they would be sorely disappointed about 98% of the time as tourists virtually never see the royal family. According to visitbritain.com, the top tourist attraction in the UK, Chester zoo is higher up the list for people to visit above Buckingham palace. There is a compelling argument for a family of Orangutans to replace our existing royalty if we are basing it on how popular the tourist attractions are. “But it wouldn’t be the same without the royals living there.” People still go to see the Taj Mahal, don’t they?

I just think we should get with the whole 21^st century program and become a Republic. 

Swill or Swallow? Andrex wants to know.

I rarely watch television. The television I do watch, I tend to watch pre-recorded and I fast forward all the ads.  I hate adverts. With a fiery passion.  So I always tend to be out of the loop in terms of ad discussions that probably take place amongst people. Those sad people that like to discuss the ins and outs of professionally marketed substances. So it was entirely by accident that I managed to glimpse the Andrex advert recently. You know the one. The “scrunch or fold” advert. The most disgusting thing I have ever seen on television. I have seen much worse on the internet of course but this is broadcast television we are talking about here.

Now part of the marketing mindset is just to get people aware of a product. This has clearly worked as I am now aware of Andrex, but believe it or not, I was aware of them before as well. So do I now think positively of the Andrex brand? Hmmm gonna have to say no. Because toilet stuff is private. We don’t discuss it here in this country. Go to Bulgaria for that sort of thing.

What on earth were they thinking?!? Maybe it is just me. Maybe people do discuss these sorts of things with each other and I am woefully naive about this sort of stuff. Maybe people have bowel movement parties where all they do is wait for each other to loudly and joyfully defecate into special troughs they have bought and moved into the lounge. Maybe people inspect each other’s stools emerging and whisper things like “look at it curl as it lengthens...and it’s changing colour already...Christ I’m erect.” Maybe I’m a prude about this. I don’t know. And I don’t really want to know. Which is why Andrex’s adverts bother me.

Given the fact that I am giving this issue oxygen, Andrex no doubt will think that this is a marketing triumph. Well I have a few more ideas for Andrex which they can have for free.

“Do you piss your poo flakes away or wait for the eventual flush to do your dirty work for you?”

“When you lovingly defecate on your partner’s chest, do you sink down and mesmerizingly rub the shit into their chest, or immediately hop off and wipe?”

“Do you furtively masturbate in lifts or merely wait in the opposite sex bathrooms on the middle floor?”

“Bile or cum?”

I am sure you will see marketing campaigns based on these ideas within the next six months.