Swill or Swallow? Andrex wants to know.

I rarely watch television. The television I do watch, I tend to watch pre-recorded and I fast forward all the ads.  I hate adverts. With a fiery passion.  So I always tend to be out of the loop in terms of ad discussions that probably take place amongst people. Those sad people that like to discuss the ins and outs of professionally marketed substances. So it was entirely by accident that I managed to glimpse the Andrex advert recently. You know the one. The “scrunch or fold” advert. The most disgusting thing I have ever seen on television. I have seen much worse on the internet of course but this is broadcast television we are talking about here.

Now part of the marketing mindset is just to get people aware of a product. This has clearly worked as I am now aware of Andrex, but believe it or not, I was aware of them before as well. So do I now think positively of the Andrex brand? Hmmm gonna have to say no. Because toilet stuff is private. We don’t discuss it here in this country. Go to Bulgaria for that sort of thing.

What on earth were they thinking?!? Maybe it is just me. Maybe people do discuss these sorts of things with each other and I am woefully naive about this sort of stuff. Maybe people have bowel movement parties where all they do is wait for each other to loudly and joyfully defecate into special troughs they have bought and moved into the lounge. Maybe people inspect each other’s stools emerging and whisper things like “look at it curl as it lengthens...and it’s changing colour already...Christ I’m erect.” Maybe I’m a prude about this. I don’t know. And I don’t really want to know. Which is why Andrex’s adverts bother me.

Given the fact that I am giving this issue oxygen, Andrex no doubt will think that this is a marketing triumph. Well I have a few more ideas for Andrex which they can have for free.

“Do you piss your poo flakes away or wait for the eventual flush to do your dirty work for you?”

“When you lovingly defecate on your partner’s chest, do you sink down and mesmerizingly rub the shit into their chest, or immediately hop off and wipe?”

“Do you furtively masturbate in lifts or merely wait in the opposite sex bathrooms on the middle floor?”

“Bile or cum?”

I am sure you will see marketing campaigns based on these ideas within the next six months.